Motherhood, what a journey it is. Our trip to NYC made it so clear to me, that my boys are adults and “we” are now something new, something different, something I haven’t fully understood.

I have always striven to get independent children. That’s why I have made sure that they can handle the basics of things; cooking, washing, cleaning, taking responsibility for their actions etc . I haven’t had a problem with them going off doing things themselves, growing – getting girlfriends (loving someone else than me) or trying out new stuff (even if it affected me in driving to a new place at an additional time every week). On the contrary I have encouraged them.

But I’ve also chosen to be an engaged parent. That’s the kind of parent who is there (which I believe is what parenting is all about). I’ve constantly been in their face or more correctly, by their back. Stepping in to make sure they did their good in school, teamed up with the teachers when there were hick-ups whether it was academic or social. I have driven them to the sports they wanted to do, because movement is essential for children and should be connected with joy. I have (with their father of course, but now this post is about me) set boundaries, taken the frustration of those boundaries and have smothered them with love. Hugs, kisses and kind words. I’ve been there.

Yes, as always, it’s fair to say I have gone all in, with no regrets, in this motherhood.

But now, as their independence grow, I’m starting to feel the emotional impact of all these years of dedication.

I, once again, need to re-program myself. Just as I did when Sam was born, when I had to understand that he was the boss and what that emotionally would do to this very self-sufficient and independent woman. Now, I need to put me and my own needs first and let the boys just figure stuff out with me. Naturally they will, cause I raised them that way. But the focus need to be here, with/at me. I need to revive this way of thinking . And I’m not going to lie. Parts of me have loved, even if unconsciously, to have been the center of the orbit that made this family work and function. But to cling by it will not be a gain for anyone.

Maybe it’s coincidental that the time of their independence coincide with my transitional age. But it isn’t making the change any easier. The lack of estrogen, just makes the transition of my role as a mother much harder – especially for the people around me. And hopefully, if my boys read this, they can understand a little more why I act so strangely now a days, it’s partly physical but also a grief process and even bigger than what mother nature is doing to my hormone levels.

So, for 2025, who is Louise 2.0? What does she like? What does she want to do? What is happiness for her now? Anyone who wants to go with me? But for sure there will be content also for future blog posts.